


Oikawa, iron chopsticks, beheading, aliens, rice, and Iwa-chan

by FeelsLikeTea



Series: Oikawa Crackfics [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aliens, Aobajousai, Chopsticks, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Maggots, Volleyball, alien mothership, becoming a comedian, circular saws, crackfic, garbage cans, living in a garbage can, milk bread, rice, the starfish effect, tsukishima is ooc, unintentional cloning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-04-26 09:42:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14399427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FeelsLikeTea/pseuds/FeelsLikeTea
Summary: Once upon a time there was a volleyball player named Oikawa. He lived in a trash can given to him by his childhood friend Iwa-chan who kicked him out of the house.A story in which Iwaizumi explodes, attacks Oikawa with chopsticks, Oikawa refuses to die, the aliens come, and Iwaizumi realizes he has made a mistake.





	Oikawa, iron chopsticks, beheading, aliens, rice, and Iwa-chan

**Author's Note:**

> Have fun maybe

Once upon a time there was a volleyball player named Oikawa. He lived in a trashcan given to him by his childhood friend Iwa-chan who kicked him out of the house. And so Oikawa’s new house was a rather nice garbage disposal container, the hideous color a perfect match for his shit brown hair. Yes, it was exactly as he liked it.  
When he was done eating Iwa-chan would always throw his food in the can, and Oikawa would collect it to save for snacks. Only once did his friend ever try to roll the can into the river with him in it, and Oikawa was grateful for that. During the day he attended Aoba Johsai High School, where he was the captain of the volleyball team, and at night he returned to his small but fitting home.  
One day, after realizing that this arrangement was slightly warped, Oikawa confronted Iwaizumi at school.  
“Oi, Iwa-chan.”

Iwaizumi turned around and when he saw who had called him, a disgusted expression contorted his face.

“Shut up, peasant who lives in a garbage can. You have no right to talk to me, for I am the Great King.”

Oikawa resumed his efforts but received no acknowledgement. Later, at volleyball practice, they were practicing two on two. Mattsun and Oikawa were on one side of the net, and the opposing team consisted of Iwaizumi and Hinata.

“Mo ippon nice serve,” yelled Hinata to Iwaizumi, who sent the ball in an arc over the net. Oikawa bent his knees, ready to receive the ace’s set, but was momentarily distracted by a realization that hit him suddenly. Ignoring the ball, he yelled across the net.

“What the heck are you doing here, Hinata? If you haven’t noticed this is Seijoh, and that is Iwaizumi you’re playing with, not Tobio.”

Hinata shrugged.

“So? I came to see the Great King.”

Both Iwaizumi and Oikawa turned toward him. Iwa began to speak, but Hinata cut him off.

“Wait wait wait… I want to talk to the Great King, not you. Sorry ace.”

He patted Iwaizumi on the back comfortingly. Oikawa noticed that Iwa was rapidly growing angrier and angrier. Oikawa yelped and beckoned rapidly for Matsukawa and Hinata to evacuate the gym. They slammed the door behind them and turned around just in time to see a blinding flash of light shine through the windows. Cautiously Oikawa cracked open the door, and smoke billowed out into the darkening sky. Coughing, they entered the gymnasium. Scorch marks scarred the floor, walls and ceiling, all radiating outwards from where Iwaizumi was standing. Behind them Nobuteru peered in as well, and they all whirled around.

“Coach!” Oikawa said welcomingly. “Imagine seeing you here.”

Their coach scowled disapprovingly. It was clear that he was less than pleased, but then Hinata piped up:

“Hey, Mr. Seijoh Coach! Don’t mind me I’m just here, ya know, but I’ll tell you a secret if you let us go.”

When Nobuteru did not respond, he continued.

“So, our principal has this really ridiculous hair but it’s actually a toupee.” The coach looked at him scornfully, before exploding into high pitched laughter.  
“You should be a comedian. Go quit volleyball,” he gasped between fits. Hinata frowned, and then broke into a grin.  
“You’re right, Mr. Coach sir. Who cares about that little giant person.” The coach grinned. 

“That’s the spirit!”

Hinata, Oikawa and Mattsun slipped away, and the coach stepped into the grym. A look of absolute displeasure crossed his face, and Iwaizumi stupidly stood where he was, looking innocently into the distance.

“For this offense i would normally expel you,”growled Nobuteru, “but thanks to that smol crow who just left I will merely suspend you for a week. Now begone with you!”

Iwaizumi nodded regally, and swept out of the room without bothering to look back. He headed towards home, and just as he turned out of the school entrance he ran into Oikawa who was just sending off Hinata.

“Don’t mind, Great King,” he was saying. “I’ll help you become the only king again after I’m a comedian!” Hinata then scampered off into the darkness. Iwaizumi approached OIkawa cautiously, quietly, and then jumped on him.

“You’re a traitor to this kingdom,” he hissed into Oikawa’s face. “You must be beheaded!”  
Oikawa squirmed out of his grasp, and stuck out his tongue at the furious ace.

“Screw you, Iwa-chan! I’m taking your house so go and die in a hole for all I care. Catch you later!” He too ran into the night, leaving Iwaizumi fuming on the sidewalk.

Oikawa ran all the way home, wrenching open the front door and locking it behind him. He first raided the fridge, and then ran to Iwa’s room. He locked the door and the windows, closed the blinds and began to gorge himself with rice. Why Iwa had so much rice, he did not know, but it was very fresh so he ate it all. Then, he realized that the rice was moving. Each grain slowly inched over one another, slipping in and out of sight among the other grains.

“Damn you, Iwa-chan” he yelled with disgust. That wasn’t rice, it was thousands of tiny white maggots, writhing masses in the dozens of containers. Oikawa was even more perplexed as to why  
there were so many maggots in Iwa’s fridge, but he shrugged. Oh well, it was extra protein.

Oikawa finished his meal, tossing the empty containers out into the hall. He had just settled down on the floor with a book when an enormous thud came from outside the window. A silhouette was cast on the curtain, and Oikawa could make out the head and shoulders of a person. He flung open the drapes to see Iwaizumi, crouched on the windowsill with a bowl of rice. He smashed the window with his iron chopsticks and leaped into the room.

“OFF WITH HIS HEAD,” shrieked Iwaizumi, brandishing his chopsticks and crouching. He sprang at Oikawa, arms spread and then hurtled the rice bowl at his face. It was at that moment that  
Oikawa realized: his childhood friend was trying to kill him.  
Oikawa scrambled back, clumps of actual rice sticking in his hair. With his back against the wall he swerved left, then right as Iwa-Chan’s chopsticks stabbed at his neck. They punctured holes in the plaster, and Iwaizumi muttered under his breath as he struck repeatedly.

“Off with his head off with his head of with his head off with-“

He was cut short as Oikawa made a run for it, fleeing from the bedroom and out the front door which was now ajar. He dove headfirst into his trash can, pulled the lid on and huddled, waiting for the dreaded chopsticks to pierce through the metal walls and into his flesh.  
After a few anxious minutes, Oikawa opened the lid just slightly. Nothing seemed to be amiss, and so he quietly stepped out.  
As soon as he rounded the corner Oikawa knew that leaving his can was a bad idea. Iwa-chan was lurking just around the corner, and he pounced on the unsuspecting trash can inhabitant. Using his chopsticks Iwaizumi perforated Oikawa, making a line in his center in which to tear him on. Oikawa had no time to scream as his torso was separated from his lower body. The parts separated rather easily due to the chopstick holes courtesy of Iwa. Iwaizumi stood up and grinned, looking down at his handiwork.

“Behead the shithead. Done!”

He turned around to head back inside when a voice stopped him.

“Learn your anatomy, dumbass Iwa-chan. That was my freaking abdomen.”  
Iwaizumi slowly turned around, afraid of what he might see. It was worse than he could ever have imagined. There, instead of two Oikawa halves, sat two extremely pissed, entirely real whole Oikawas. Iwaizumi was flabbergasted. As he stood with his mouth agape, Oikawa #2 explained exasperatedly.

“It’s called the starfish effect. If you cut me into pieces, each piece grows into another OIkawa.”

“That’s…” Iwaizumi searched for the right word to describe the repulsive phenomenon. “Absolutely terrifying."  
Then he thought of something. Walking over to one of the two, he kicked him in the stomach. Both Oikawas doubled over, and then glared at Iwaizumi.

“So if one of you feels something, then you both feel it.” He grinned mischievously. This could potentially be very fun.  
Telling both Oikawas to follow him, he went inside the house and into the bathroom. Flipping up the toilet seat he pulled a circular saw from out of the bowl, and then closed the lid. Iwaizumi shoved both Oikawas into the shower, and then began severing anything he could grab hold of. Pretty soon the only recognizable parts were the pieces of fingers and other limbs. He stood for a while, and when nothing happened, he frowned deeply. Was this too many pieces?

Suddenly, a low rumble shook the house. Iwaizumi sprinted in the direction of the front door, and close on his heels was a wave of dozens and dozens of OIkawas, all calling “Iwa-chan!” in an irritating tsunami of bodies. Thankfully, Iwa made it outside before he could be suffocated. What really worried him, however, was when Oikawas started to pour out of the front door and windows. They tumbled onto the grass and soon began to pile up on his lawn.

“Gwaaaaaah! There’s so many Great Kings now!” shouted Hinata from the sidewalk.

All the Oikawas rose to their feet and ran at Hinata to greet him. Iwaizumi realized that if he didn’t do something, Hinata would be unintentionally strangled to death. He grabbed an Oikawa as it ran by and impaled it with the spear he had in his back pocket. All the Oikawas stopped where they were and began screaming, and the one he had stabbed dropped to the ground. Hinata looked on in horror, realizing that this was no good thing. This was a battlefield.  
Iwaizumi headed over towards hinata to try and explain, but Tsukishima descended from the sky and blocked the path(*Cue S2 OST: The Halo Around The Moon*). Immediately, the sky grew dark.

“IT’S A SOLAR ECLIPSE” screeched one of the Oikawas. And indeed it was. The celestial power of the sun and moon was now reciprocated by the two middle blockers, Tsukishima standing in front of Hinata like a solar eclipse. In the darkness and pandemonium of the moment somehow an enormous vehicle had managed to land on the street on front of the house. Strange lights illuminated the silvery sides, and a hatch opened, releasing white smoke. Out of the haze emerged a slightly humanoid creature, with an enormous head and eyes, long limbs and green skin (*Cue S2 OST: Moonrise*).

“IT’S THE MOTHERSHIP!” wailed an Oikawa.

“They’ve come to bring us back,” moaned another one despairingly.

But the alien had no such intentions. He veered towards Oikawa’s trash can and began rummaging inside until he found what he was looking for. In his hands was Oikawa’s favorite shirt. It was red and had an alien on it, and the word ‘greys’ written in orange letters. He had had it since he was young, and Oikawa was by no means willing to give it up to this scoundrel.

One of the Oikawas grabbed hold of the shirt, but the alien boarded the ship and began to ascend into the sky. Once they were almost impossible to see, a dark speck appeared and began to grow bigger. The alien had tossed the Oikawa off the ship, and he was now plummeting to Earth. All the Oikawas on Iwaizumi’s front lawn braced themselves for the inevitable pain, and when it came they all grew silent.

Hinata watched from behind Tsukishima with a look of absolute horror on his face. The Oikawas writhed in the agony of the one who dropped from the ship, most likely suffering shattered skulls and bones. He tried not to pass out as the sight before him grew blurry and unfocused. He tapped Tsukishima on the shoulder, and seemingly reading Hinata’s mind Tsukki scooped the smaller crow up in his arms bridal style and leaped off into the nonexistent sunset.  
Meanwhile, Iwaizumi was having a rather difficult time controlling the Oikawas, and he knew that soon they would be out of control. As it was, they were all somewhat recovered and running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

“OI SHITTYKAWAS,” bellowed Iwaizumi, “STOP RUNNING AROUND LIKE CHICKENS WITH THEIR HEADS CUT OFF AND LISTEN UP.”  
The Oikawas took no notice, so he tried another tactic.

“KAGEYAMA TOBIO IS THE BEST SETTER IN THE PREFECTURE.”

That got their attention. Hundreds of heads whipped around to glare at Iwaizumi, and he was worried that they might stampede. Luckily for him, they kept their sanity and stayed put. He continued on with his speech.

“I have a dream,” began Iwaizumi, “that all of you gathered here today will perish so that I don’t have to deal with this shit anymore.” He paused before continuing.  
“So all of you except for one go die or something. Yeah. Thanks.”  
He promptly left to head back inside, pulling one Oikawa behind him. All the rest stood dazed on the grass, and most likely they would have stayed there had Iwaizumi not come out with a machete. He sighed after they fled in terror, and rejoined Oikawa in the living room. Grabbing the remote he switched on the TV.

“-and now to what faculty reported finding on the roof of Aoba Johsai High School in Miyagi Prefecture. The body of one of the third year students was found, seemingly dropped from an incredibly high altitude, was discovered less than an hour ago. We are still investigating the cause of death at this time.”  
Oikawa stared at the screen as a close-up of the body was shown, along with a picture identifying it as Oikawa Tooru. Iwaizumi changed the channel, and now there was a different report:

“-scientists are still discussing the causes of the sudden solar eclipse-”  
Iwaizumi changed the channel again.

“-hundreds of bodies-”

Click.

“-aliens-”  
Iwaizumi threw the remote down in frustration. Why was there never anything interesting to watch? He stood up and headed to his room, leaving Oikawa alone. Big mistake. When he returned to check on Oikawa, he had cut off his finger and was now talking to his copy.

“-I’m a setter at Aoba Johsai. How about you?”  
“Me too! Imagine that.”

Iwaizumi mentally facepalmed.

“I LOVE MILK BREAD.”  
“OMG ME TOO”  
“Oi, Iwa-chan, do you like milk bread?”

Iwaizumi scowled.

“Go fuck yourself. Stop bothering me, I’m busy.”  
With that, he promptly sat down on the floor and began to meditate. Oikawa shrugged.

“Ok.”  
Both Oikawas stood up and headed toward Iwaizumi’s bedroom.  
“NOT LITERALLY YOU DUMBASS”


End file.
